"The damn neighbor again," she said. "As if
wearing red underwear on the outside of that awful blue spandex wasn't enough,
flying supersonic over the North Pole again? At this hour?"
Ah, so it had been a sonic boom. That was getting old. Half the elves were frightened by them and the
other half cheered enthusiastically when he flew by. The reindeer herd was skittish at best with the big day less than a week out and they needed their
sleep between training runs.
"Not very neighborly, is he?" Santa said, rolling over
in hopes of ending the conversation.
"Gonna be a rough Christmas if the herd can't get a decent
night's sleep."
He could read between the lines. They'd had this discussion
several times since the alien-posing-as-super-human built (no, grew) his house
(make that a fortress) next door to 1 North Pole. Missus hadn't taken to his
manner of dress, activities at all hours, or the crowd of misfits he associated
with. She expected Santa to do something, confront the guy. He wasn't exactly
the confrontational sort but a courtesy call was at least in order.
"I'll pop over there in the morning."
"Mmm-hmm."
Santa sighed at his wife's skeptical response. What could he do?
He was jolly by nature, so jolly it would have to be.
#
Following his team's training run, Santa made a stop in front of
2 North Pole. He'd visited once, when the neighbor first moved in, but things
had changed a little bit since then. The structure - all massive columns of
clear and white crystal set at angles - was both beautiful and intimidating,
and apparently still growing. Fortress was certainly a good word for it, though
it was unlikely to ever face a siege up in these parts. Even the polar bears
had the good sense to stay away. The other difference was the addition of a
junker out in the front yard up on blocks.
Santa's team pulled up alongside the eye-sore and he scoffed
with a "ho" while disembarking and tromping up through the snow to
the front door. There was no doorbell or knocker, not even a handle, on the
thirty-foot tall monstrosity, just a single massive keyhole halfway up.
Summoning up his mighty voice, Santa boomed out, "Jingle,
jingle!"
Almost immediately the door opened and there stood his neighbor.
The man was tall, statuesque, and handsome to a fault. His hair was black, combed
back save for a stray curl that dipped across his forehead. He was dressed in
his usual working costume - blue body suit that left little of his muscled
bumpiness to the imagination, red boots, cape, and aforementioned trunks, and
yellow highlights, including the conspicuous logo on his chest that was most
certainly not a letter despite the uncanny resemblance.
"Greetings, neighbor!" Santa couldn't help but sound
cheery. And, since he knew all the good deeds this man had done for humanity,
he couldn't rightly be too upset at the odd minor indiscretion.
"Hi Santa." The man said and shook Santa's hand with a
grip like steel. "What brings you over?"
"Oh, was just out with my team on a training run this
morning," Santa said. "Been meaning to drop in and see how you were
getting settled in."
The man shrugged. "Getting along alright, I guess. It's
quiet. I like the solitude."
Santa jumped on the best passive-aggressive opening for which he
could have hoped. "Speaking of quiet, I've been meaning to ask you about
those occasional fly-byes you've been doing over my place."
The man cringed apologetically. "I know, the sonic booms
are a bit much, aren't they? I'm really sorry about that."
Santa chuckled in a low voice that was almost sub-sonic. He knew
the man to be sincere.
"Yes, well, I don't mind them so much, but it is spooking
my herd." Santa thrust a mittened thumb over his shoulder toward the
reindeer hitched to his sleigh. "What with Christmas only a few days away,
they need their beauty rest."
The man held up both hands. "Say no more," he said.
"I'll do what I can to avoid buzzing your place, especially at night. But,
you know when a sweatshop in Bangladesh is fully engulfed, well, every second
counts. You know how it is."
Santa nodded, then realized by doing so he'd more or less just
conceded that his neighbor's motives took precedent over the Christmas
operation. Santa couldn't rightly call him out on that because, well, it was
Christmas and there was nothing more important to his own very nature, but he
wasn't blind to the ethical dilemma. He was irritated at himself for so easily
giving up his point.
"Right, thanks," Santa said, managing not to grumble.
In a brief moment of pique, however, he turned things back on the neighbor.
"Oh, and I noticed that wreck out in your yard. You know, my elves could
come over and salvage it for scrap. Wouldn't take them more than an hour to
have it stripped clear."
Take that, he thought. Yeah, I called you out on it.
"That's very kind of you to offer," the man said,
non-plussed. "But that's the spaceship in which I crashed on Earth as an
infant. My adoptive mother was tired of my enemies poking around the farm for
it in hopes of extracting technological secrets or that sort of thing. I just
brought it up here, but the new room to store it in hasn't finished growing
yet. Shouldn't be more than another day or two and that...eyesore...will be out
of the way."
Santa’s rosy red cheeks flush further. Now he felt like a
complete tool. He should have remembered that tidbit about the man, having
brought him gifts since he was a wee little thing.
"My mistake," Santa said, trying to salvage some face.
"Had no idea. Sentimentality is a precious thing."
An awkward silence hung between them for several shakes of a
jingle bell.
"Well, I hope I haven't kept you from saving the world
again," Santa said, hitching up the belt on his belly. "I should be
off to finish the day's training with the team. Breaking in a new reindeer this
year. You know how that is."
The man nodded in polite agreement. "Stop by any
time."
Santa waved farewell and started back for his sleigh when the
man called out.
"Oh, I've been meaning to stop by and thank your wife for
the new outfits. I really appreciated the gesture, but I'm not sure it'll work
out."
Santa caught his step as he flushed with humiliation. Missus had
sent the guy a new costume? Or costumes? And hadn't even mentioned it to him?
That was bold and could've been construed as rude, depending on what she'd
sent.
He turned back. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize she'd sent you
anything."
The man just shrugged like it wasn't any big deal. "I liked
the one that replaced my red trunks and boots for a solid blue look, but the
media raked me over the coals for the change so I went back. And the all-black
look... Yeah, I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet."
Santa nodded, unsure what he could even say.
"Anyway, I really appreciated her gesture and I'll pop over
to thank her in person as soon as I can. Unfortunately, there's a chemical
spill situation breaking in Uganda that I should probably go lend a hand
with."
Santa said, "I'll let her know and please go, don't let me
get in your way."
The man saluted with a couple fingers from his brow and launched
into the air, his red cape whipping in his wake.
Santa couldn't believe how such a nice, wholesome man could invoke
such irritation in him. Most of it was directed at himself and his wife, not
the neighbor.
"Peppermint sticks!" He grumbled all the way back to
the sleigh, decidedly not looking forward to speaking with Missus over his
afternoon hot cocoa.
#
The remaining days in the lead-up to Christmas Eve had been
blessedly quiet. The neighbor, whether intentionally or not, hadn't done a
supersonic flyby over 1 North Pole and preparations for the big day had gone
smoothly. Santa's unsettled instinct, however, proved prescient, and everything
went sideways with about six hours to go before Christmas deliveries were to
get underway.
Santa was outside, giving his sleigh its final inspection with a
team of elvish mechanics. The sky, perpetually dark this time of year, exploded
with brilliant yellow and orange fire, turning the winter wonderland into a
hellish landscape. Concussions that made the neighbor's sonic booms pale by
comparison rocked the region several seconds later. The reindeer herd began
bleating in panic and Santa had to rally extra handlers to get them under
control.
Smoke and flame obscured what was going on in the sky, but
Santa's assistant Ginger was by his side within moments, anticipating his
questions.
"Looks like some extra-dimensional warship, about four
miles long, has engaged your, uh, neighbor, in some sort of grudge match,"
she said, gazing into her snow globe. "They're going at it right over his
fortress."
The heat rising in Santa's veins could have roasted chestnuts.
He watched simultaneously in person and through the elf's snow globe as the
scenic peak of the nearby Frosty Mountain was obliterated in the crossfire.
Chucks of molten metal and slabs of dislodged granite rained down on his
property, where they changed into harmless snowflakes via the protective
Christmas magic. Still, his defenses didn't help against the noise and shaking,
and everyone was in disarray. Had this battle been joined six hours later,
Santa's magic would have reached a peak where he could intervene with a
miracle. For now, however, he could do little but stand by and watch.
"What should we do, Santa?" Ginger sounded as worried
as he'd ever heard the elf. That tone brought him back into the moment.
"We prepare for Christmas, just like always," he said,
the jolly gone from his voice. "Make sure everyone stays on task."
"And that?" Ginger nodded toward the neighbor's
property.
"Won't be a problem." Santa tried to sound convincing.
It shouldn't be a problem, he thought, as long as they didn't let it be a
distraction.
"Got it, boss."
As Ginger hurried off to carry out his wishes, Santa excused
himself from the last bit of the sleigh inspection. He trundled back to his
office where he pulled out the final versions of the nice and naughty lists.
Dipping his quill in a pot of ink, he scratched out one name from the nice list
and added it to the naughty.
#
There had been some rough Christmases in the past, but this one
was certainly among the bottom ten. All the gifts were delivered, the cookies
and milk consumed, and Christmas cheer spread to every corner of the world.
Nothing technically went wrong. The entire vibe, though, between him, his team
of reindeer, and the support crew of elves back at the North Pole, was off.
Santa, in a rarity, was glad to be done rather than disappointed that the
holiday was already over.
Over, that was, except for one last delivery.
Santa guided his team to land in a scorched patch of ground in
front of the heavily damaged remains of 2 North Pole. The neighbor's fortress
hadn't fared particularly well in the battle, but it had survived more intact
than the interloper's flying warship which was now in rubble spread across
several dozen square miles. The smell of burnt plastic and molten metal
assaulted his nose.
The fortress was empty. He could sense that much as he slipped
in through the shattered door. Inside, massive columns of crystal had fallen
amongst the various trophies and mementos from the hero's exploits. It was a
mess.
Without a stocking in sight, Santa produced one and magically
affixed it to a relatively intact, bare stretch of wall. Into it, he stuffed a
handful of coal. Deep in his heart, he knew the alien meant well. He even knew
the guy had probably just saved the Earth. In spite of all that, though, the
passive aggressive part of him felt good about sending this not-so-subtle jab
for the incessant unneighborly behavior everyone at 1 North Pole had been
forced to deal with recently.
With a twinkle in his eye, he let out a final ho, ho, ho to mark
the end of the season.
#
Santa oversaw the unhooking of his reindeer team, thanking each
for their good effort. The elves swarmed over the sleigh and pressed him for
stories about how the deliveries had gone. His spirits lifting, he indulged them
all, putting off his own desire to settle into the recliner in front of his
fireplace.
When he finally got away and let himself in the front door of
his house, Santa realized something was amiss. They had a guest.
"Welcome home, dear," Missus said, wiping her hands on
her apron as she hurried over to give him a big hug. She was in remarkably high
spirits. "Everything go well?"
"Well enough," Santa said, looking over her shoulder
and feeling that Christmas cheer fade as he saw the neighbor sitting at the
dining room table, still in costume, eating cookies and drinking a mug of hot
chocolate. The man raised the mug in a toast while his eyes twinkled
good-naturedly.
"Hello Santa."
It was impossible for Santa to be anything but a gracious host,
no matter how uncomfortable that might be, so he nodded and greeted their
neighbor. Had the guy opened his stocking yet?
Missus guided Santa to the dining room by his elbow. "Our
neighbor just came over to apologize for all that mess yesterday," she
said cheerfully. Santa couldn't believe this was the same woman who'd decried
their neighbor almost daily since he'd moved in.
"And I'll have it cleaned up as soon as possible," the
neighbor said.
"He even asked me if I'd help him landscape the place,
afterward," Missus said, practically tittering. "Some pines with
Christmas lights, maybe some winter flowers, it'll be beautiful when we're done
with it."
We? Santa just nodded. "Sounds lovely."
"Oh, and you have to try these snickerdoodles he brought
over," she said, handing Santa a cookie as if he hadn't just eaten upwards
of a billion of them last night.
"They're my mom's," the neighbor said. "I made a
quick trip down to Kansas so I wouldn't show up empty-handed."
Santa nodded. He munched on the cookie, remembering that he'd
had this very recipe, baked by the neighbor's mother no less, many times
before. They were good.
"Empty-handed, hardly," Missus said. "He also
brought this. Which he made himself. Such craftsmanship!"
Missus picked up from the table a small snowman figurine, each
of the body pieces a singular, perfect diamond. Santa knew, instinctively, just
where those diamonds had come from - crushed into existence from a certain
stocking full of coal. Touché.
Shamed, Santa gave up. He couldn't hold grudges or be angry, not
in the face of a gift and gesture of goodwill on Christmas. "Thank
you," he said. "It's beautiful."
"You're most welcome," the neighbor said, standing
such that his cape swayed dramatically behind him. "And thank you, Mrs.
Claus, for your hospitality. I should be off to start cleaning up my mess.
Merry Christmas to the both of you."
Santa shook his hand and stood beside his wife as they watched
the neighbor fly off.
Missus sighed, leaning in to her husband. "He sure can fill
out that costume. Looks better up close, in person."
Santa cast a sideways glance at his wife, which she completely
missed as her gaze lingered on the vanishing speck.
"Wouldn't hurt you to work out once in a while, huh?"
She nudged his bowl full of jelly and returned inside.
Santa grumbled a few things about keeping up with the neighbors
under his breath before sighing and finally closing the door.
